Date black men: Talking about commitment without scaring him

White girls looking for black men are often looking for new experiences and ways to get to know another race. Interracial dating is a fun way to open up one's horizons to new ideas, traditions and cultures. But for white women looking for black men, interracial dating is also a way to find a stable partner, the start of a serious relationship and -why not?- even a way to find the ideal husband. And there are black men out there who want to date white women for the same reason. But they are not necessarily the majority.

In many cases, men are more spontaneous than women when it comes to dating. They will go out with a woman they like, without thinking too much about the future. Women, on the other hand, most times start to fantasize about how a long term relationship with their new date would look like. There is nothing wrong with these two approaches. They are both natural and just different with each other. But at some point, two people who date need to have “the talk”, to be sure they are on the same page, when it comes to commitment.

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Especially when you date online, a common misunderstanding among men and women is whether dating is exclusive or not. You can never be too clear about it. There is nothing wrong with asking your date if he is also seeing others while dating you or if he prefers exclusive dating. If you do not feel comfortable with parallel dating, be honest about it and just let your date know that you would rather stay friends with him, if he does not like you enough to devote a couple of months to finding out if the two of you are a good match. But be prepared to accept his decision!

Once this first step has been taken and you have been dating for a while, you can let your date know that you feel comfortable enough with him and you are ready to meet his friends and family and would like to introduce him to your friends. Family is scarier, so it can come later. If he is hesitant, start with one friend at a time, instead of a group of people. Give him time to adjust. Make it clear that you will introduce him as your boyfriend and ask him how he feels about it. If he wants to be introduced casually as a friend, maybe he is not as serious about you as you thought and you need to reconsider your commitment.

After he has met your friends and family and you have been together for a few months, you can start a general conversation about how he sees himself in the future: would he like to get married and have a family or is he planning to keep his lifestyle the way it is now? Of course, this is just an indication and people's minds change, but if you want to start a family in the near future and he doesn't, then maybe you need to move on. Of course, talking with him and letting him know your plans first is an important step to take. Some times people need a bit of motivation to take the next step.

If your date decides that they do not want to commit, think about it in a positive way. We learn something from every relationship and next time you will be more clear about what you want from your partner, from the start. Good luck!

Date white women: Dating the amateur psychologist

White women looking for black men are often women who have realized that their life is their own to live and should not care about social pressure and what others think of their life choices. This is also one of the reasons why they are open to interracial dating. What happens though when your date feels that it is her obligation to help you liberate yourself as well and solve your personal issues “just like I did!”? Then, my friend, you are probably dating the amateur psychologist.

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If you want to date white women, you should know that -even though we hate generalizations- they are as talkative as black women. And most men are used to dates where the woman does the talking and the man nods while eating his stake. You can not do that with the amateur psychologist though! She needs you to participate, listen to her questions carefully and answer them. Otherwise how could she make her diagnosis?! It is hard to recognize the psychologist at the beginning. During the first dates it feels nice to be with someone who asks meaningful questions and seems to care not just about your salary, but also about your childhood, your family, your relationship with your friends. So when she says something along the lines of “I think you have issues with your mother” or “You have an inferiority complex due to comparisons with your dad”, you have no clue where that came from.

If that does not sound bad to you, then wait until your amateur psychologist starts suggesting ways to solve your issues. After all she tried therapy and it changed her life, so it should work for you as well. Or meditation. Or maybe going to live in a cabin in the woods for a couple of months, to find your inner peace! She could join you, if you want. It might be fun to be the center of attention at first and it might seem sweet of her that she wants to help you, but the problem is that she is, well, amateur. Her “knowledge” on dealing with emotional issues comes from her own experience and reading women's magazines. Not exactly a scientific approach. Things become worse if she did date black men in the past and feels that now she has enough experience on interracial relationship challenges as well. The other issue is that she might want to help you solve problems that you do not actually have.

We know that so far it sounds like we advise you to never-ever go out with an amateur psychologist. But that is not true. They are in general kind souls that want to help others. Maybe a bit more curious than the average person as well. But as long as you make it clear to her that you are not a “patient” and you do not like to feel like you are being analyzed the whole time, she might exercise her talent on her friends and have a more normal relationship with you. Just try to not hurt her feelings and give her some time to stop symptom-spotting your for imaginary mental conditions. You can also copy her behavior and start diagnosing her. It won't be long before she realizes how annoying this is and stops. Unless she loves it, in which case you might have to start looking for another date!