If you have tried interracial dating before and it didn't go
that well, it is easy to assume that you are just not cut for it. It is true
that white women and black men can face some challenges when they decide
to date each other, but this does not mean that every interracial relationship
is doomed. If you want to try to date black men or date white women
again, but you are hesitating, because of past experiences, you need to find
out what was it that went wrong. This way you will learn from your mistakes,
become a better person and learn how to make better choices. Following are some
questions that will help you understand why your previous relationship might
have gone wrong.
How did you pick your partner?
Often white women looking for black men and the other
way around, get so excited about interracial dating that do not go any deeper
than the race. If you just decide to date the first black man/white women that
you met, chances are that things will go wrong. When you date people of your
own race, don't you try to find someone with similar interests, goals and
values as you? These should also be your criteria for an interracial
relationship. The novelty wears off quite fast and if you do not have other things
in common, then the relationship won't last.
How open were you towards your differences?
Even if you have found a person from another race, with whom
you share some interests and goals, you need to accept your differences as
well. Maybe you thought that because all people are equal, they are also the
same, but this is not how it works. The next time that you get a crush on
someone from another race, try to understand that their life is different from
yours in many aspects and that you will have to work hard to build a life
together. People with different races, religion, education and financial
background can make things work as long as they are open and accepting.
How well did you communicate?
Communication is the key in successful interracial relationships.
In order to bridge cultural gaps, discuss about social pressure challenges, and understand
the way your partner sees things you need to talk with them. Talk and listen.
No matter how upset you feel about something that your partner said or did, you
should make the effort to explain to them why you are upset. Some times
cultural differences lead to misunderstandings, as a behavior that is perfectly
fine in one culture is unacceptable to another. This is why it is crucial to
educate your partner and get educated by them, instead of closing your ears and
being mad all the time.
How did you handle social pressure?
Maybe you broke up with your last partner because your
family did not approve of your relationship. In that case you need to do some
work with your self-esteem and independence, before you date another person. If
you are an adult and your family's racist opinions keep you from living your
dreams, you need to detach. This does not mean that you need to stop loving
your family though. You just need to make them understand that they should
respect your decision. If you broke up with your partner because he would not
stand up for you, when his family treated you badly, then you made a wrong
choice of partner. And maybe you did not communicate well enough as well. An
interracial couple needs to discuss a common strategy when it comes to dealing
with judgmental or just plain negative family members and friends. You should
make that clear from the start, when dating a person from another race. If you
support them, you should expect that they will support and love you as well, despite of
what their social environment thinks.
Did you brake up because of physical distance?
Some times interracial relationships start when one of the
two is on vacation, doing an internship, is on an Erasmus exchange or working
for a short term in a foreign country. This means that sooner or later they
will have to go back home. If you fell in love with someone and lived your
dream for a while and then, once they went back, you lost contact, it can be
very traumatic. This is why it is a good idea to discuss this issue from the
first dates with someone who is not just from another race, but from another
country as well. If all goes well, could he move permanently to your country?
Could you move to his? Could you both travel for a few years? These might seem
like heavy questions to ask at the beginning of the relationship, but if the
time is limited and you are not a college student who is just looking for an
adventure, they are totally justified.
Now that you read these questions you can probably already
pin point one or more reasons why your last interracial relationship did not
last. Congratulations! Realizing your mistakes is the first step to achieve a
long-term loving relationship with the next person that you will choose to
include into your life.
